Insecure

There are rights to not having a partner right?

Like I am not with anyone. Not as a partner anyways. The ex well, I know doing what we have done was stupid. But it was the only way to feel safe and be able to keep doing it. But hes brought all the emotions a normal relationship should have.

I talk a whole lot to guys and girls. The other night when he was over, I well I was talking with my homie. He was asleep after business and I was making a cake. Which I seriously was because I promised the olds I would. He wakes up ages after and I'm talking on the net. Not being able to sleep kinda does that. But he gets all grr. I mean I know I was talking to a guy who calls me Baby. But really I'm there with you. I let you stay over. I didn't do it to spite the guy. I did it because atleast someone was up to talk to while I made the cake.

Whatever anyways Monday the ex was having a good go at me when he came over before we had to go to the funeral. Who is this and who is that.... BLAH FUCKING BLAH... then he was pooey all day and then when we got home I get into my PJ's and hes like going on about the same shit and saying that I go on at him for something and then he left. I didn't say bye. I just cried instead. I'm over being hassled. I dont need him around anymore.

BAH!!!

Drugs

I would have to say Drugs are the worst thing I could possibly do to my body.

I come home from work tonight and my parents are looking up Methamphetamine. Great huh. Anyways I am pretty pissed off at the moment, so I am sitting in my room typing this shit up and with Benjamin Button on in the background. To think that I would do meth. Is pretty shit. I mean weed yea. But meth..FUCK OFF.

I hate drugs immensely. If there was a more decent word than hate I would use it. I have no money to spend on drugs. Let alone know anyone who does P. Im not going to go into details just saying its stupid.

UNDECIDED

Well the title says how I feel right now. The olds found out I dont really wanna do my course anymore and decided to talk to me about it. Talking with the olds is shit as aye.

Ex decided to once again go through my computer, and again blame me for having sex with people. Its annoying, but wasn't surprising its what he does best. I feel hacked off at the moment. All day its crying and yelling. I hate pressure and I have having to change for people.

Mum thinks Im on drugs to. But I dont want to tell her why I dont sleep well and why I have changed so much. I cant just tell them that I met someone and really liked them but you guys didnt get to meet him because he died. Lol they will either believe me or not. Im guessing not. They will think that was a waste of time then wasnt it. Even the ex was having fun saying you just went into his room aye. You gave him a handjob. Not my problem hes gone. You know shit that you just dont say about someone. Asking if he was drunk driving the car etc.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Seriously

Well yesterday my ex went through my history on lappy seriously he shouldnt have... Found out I go on a chat site for swingers.. I dont have the intentions of doing anything on it.. Just wanted to see what it was like. Actually makes me laugh. Some weird as people in New zealand seriously.

Anyways the ex had a go at me because he thinks I want other people.. Or that that I meeting people off that site.. For one ewwwwwww lol and second I only have feelings for a guy who is not on this earth anymore. So yea good luck to anyone else. :)..

Should I be hard on him? Or is he right? I know what Im doing and I know what I want. Doing something for me is either because Im bored or Im curious to see what happens.. Its not about the attention. Everytime anything comes up about guys. I straight away think of other guy. Its not that I want to think about him but for once I had met someone I could actually enjoy time with, talk to and just be myself around. Its hard to find that these days. Especially ones as hot as (other guy) hahaha and he was only a few years older than me.. Im like Fark really. Did you have to go. Lol.. Grrrrr.

I dont know what to say to the ex. He knows how I feel about meeting people, He doesnt care that I had feelings for other guy. I just dont know why hes gotta be all up in my business. Seriously lol

I have no damn clue

So he (the ex) comes around expecting me to know that he has made plans for Sunday. Nice to be psychic and all??

He wanted to go to the movies today (this morning) but then got told he has work so he decides to do that instead. Which is fine, because he needs the money. Even though he still gets paid more than me, but whatever. So he changes the plans again to tonight after work, well my work anyways (at about 8pm). But says oh I dont like going out at night after work, which is a lie because we have been out plenty of times after work and hes never complained before. I dont decide he does. And insists that we go out. So you can see why I'm just a little ticked off.

Lol that bit is funny because he said he wanted to plan a fun night for us since he has work. I dont really want to hang out with him tonight. Too much hassle if he hasn't planned anything. I'm not bothered. I offered to do it tomorrow even didn't mind when. But he was just like no and then decides to tell me "oh I will just have to meet my friend from Hamilton when they are up next time. I'm upset by this point because, you dont just make up shit and dont do it, you know what I mean.

Now by this point I'm having a tiny tear tear moment because a) plans have changed a lot b) wasting my time c) some people should tell others they have plans d) lack of sleep....

I dont want to go to movies tomorrow if he has planned something with someone else. I dont care that it's a she. I care that he couldn't tell me properly that he had plans for tomorrow. I offer to go next week. But he says we can go tomorrow morning. Is now put off going to the movies at all. Soooo what should I do??
Am over being told shit and then not doing it. Its good to see the ex can stick to one plan but mess me around in the mean time.

Seriously What Are Feelings?

I have done some things I probably shouldn't have.. But Idk.. I learnt something from it.. I thought I had those kind of feelings for a certain someone but I dont I mean I love them yea but not in the way I thought.. Maybe I am over them :)

Feeling lost now aye. Like everything I thought, has just gone down the drain. I mean this feeling isn't all bad. I have found my true feelings for someone. And I reckon thats a good as thing, because I dont need to worry at all  anymore. Experience hasn't really changed my look at the person. It has just opened my mind to a whole new world for me. Its AWESOME!.

To love someone, it really is a challenge. To find that person you love and not let them go is an accomplishment that is waiting to happen. Having an open mind I think helps. Also knowing that those you love are worth it in every way possible, that is something I love to do. Those I trust and know will always be there for me. I love them whether they aren't what people expect or whether they are someone everyone hates, I dont know why but its just how I am. People treat me differently and I'm used to that. So other people who assume they know a person. Cant really know them unless they have seen them in action so to speak.

What I find upsetting is the fact that I have feelings for someone. And I dont know what to do with them. Coz its a complicated situation.

Beginning of a New Era for Jac

Well thought Id start this blog to keep my mind occupied instead of going over things that have happened, wont happen, and may happen. Its been a while since I have really blogged about my life and well last time wasn't too interesting to be honest. A whole lot of me going all emo and asking why this and that. Not a good read thats for sure.

This blog is going to just reflect on things I cant really tell anyone else to be honest.

Where should I start? Asking myself questions already. How about I start with the first thing that comes to me.....

Okie here it goes. I have officially withdrawn from Early Childhood this semester as I wasn't getting much from it. I'm glad that I did it. But haven't told my parents yet as would like to have everything verified about whether or not I can start next semester, as well as get the scholarship I was offered. It was stressful as and the lady who does the withdrawing process, was a very determined person who insisted I try to stay and see how things go. I had made my mind up by then and knew I would be walking out of the office with head held high and having confidence in my choice. Crazily enough it all went to plan and I walked out smiling. I do how ever have to go for a chat with the head of Early Childhood and then see what happens from there. God its going to be tough to tell my parents. I hope this works though. I really do want to achieve this and become someone who has a job. I want to be independent.

Making the decision was harder than I thought but I felt it was the right choice. I'm hoping it will benefit me in some way. I am just hoping to get it over and done with and then just get ready for next semester. Its rough though, I haven't told my parents yet. They still think I am going to school. Wishing I had told them earlier but its too late now. I will have to grow some balls and deal with whatever they say. I know it sounds stupid but I just can tell them aye.. I get real iffy bout it. I dont like talking to my parents. One thing I hate to do. Hanging out with them is fine. Talking to them about things is a whole different level right there.

I wander what they will say...